It can start with a text message that seems caring. “Text me when you get there so I know you’re safe.” Then comes the follow-up: “Why did it take you so long to reply?”
For victim survivor Delaney, 23, coercive control was never obvious at first. It was subtle, confusing and designed to slowly chip away at her sense of self.
“Coercive control isn’t always something obvious,” she said. “It can be a pattern of small behaviours disguised as genuine love and care, and it’s really subtle and confusing.”
Unlike physical violence, coercive control is often made up of repeated behaviours that isolate, manipulate and dominate another person. Over time, it can erode someone’s confidence, independence and connection to the people around them.
“The whole point is to take away your independence, so they become your whole world,” Delaney said.
She describes how coercive control can leave victim survivors constantly second-guessing themselves.
“You find yourself needing to explain where you are, who you’re with, what you’re doing,” she said. “They are absolute masters of manipulating you into thinking that you’re doing the wrong thing when you’re not.”
One of the strongest warning signs, she says, is isolation.
“Everyone I talk to kind of talks about how you become a shell of a person. You kind of withdraw from the world around you,” Delaney said.
Supporting victim survivors of coercive control
For friends and family, knowing how to help can feel overwhelming. But Delaney says support starts with patience and understanding.
“Helpful support isn’t telling that person you need to leave, because if we could, we would have,” she said. “Helpful support is listening. It’s being that safe person that they can go to when they are ready.”
Centacare Area Manager Adam Beck says coercive control can be just as damaging as physical violence and communities play an important role in recognising the signs.
“I think as individuals, it’s really important that we understand non-physical forms of domestic violence are just as impactful as physical forms of domestic violence,” he said.
Adam encourages anyone experiencing coercive control to reach out to someone they trust or connect with a support service.
“It can be helpful to have a support person with you, someone who’s perhaps a little bit familiar with how the system works,” he said.
Centacare provides a range of supports for people experiencing domestic and family violence, including risk assessment and safety planning, court support, counselling, group education and support. and practical assistance to help families rebuild their lives.
For Delaney, recovery has meant rediscovering herself after years of manipulation and self-doubt.
“Someone can tear you to shreds without ever laying a hand on you,” she said.
But she hopes sharing her experience will help others recognise the signs sooner and know they are not alone.
“I think support services like Centacare are so important because they’re the people that bring clarity through the confusion,” she said.
Helping victim survivors rebuild after coercive control
Funding is critical in helping victim survivors move from crisis to recovery. Adam says many people escaping coercive control and domestic violence are forced to start again with very little.
“People are essentially starting from scratch,” he said.
Centacare uses funding to provide practical support such as school uniforms and shoes for children, assistance securing safe accommodation, counselling, safety planning and help reconnecting people with education and employment opportunities.
“Recovery can take months, if not years for many survivors,” Adam said. “There needs to be services available that can help walk that journey with people and help them start to rebuild their lives.”
Resources and contacts
If you, or someone you know, is experiencing (or is at risk of experiencing) domestic and family violence, contact your local Centacare Service.
In an emergency, call Triple Zero, 000.
If there is no immediate emergency, you can report domestic and family violence to the police by phoning Policelink on 131 444 or make a non-urgent report by submitting an online form.
You can also call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT for advice and support. This service is open 24 hours and provides confidential advice via phone or webchat.